you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
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Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
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You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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