God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
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Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
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AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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