I accidentally had phone sex last night
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Randomize