the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
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Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
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Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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