I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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