you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
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you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
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If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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