beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
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