I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
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So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
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Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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