The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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