I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
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Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
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She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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