I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
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