im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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