I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
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We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
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The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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