i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
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IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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