True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
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I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
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Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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