Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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