Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
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decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
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Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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