Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
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Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
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You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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