i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
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My vagina just recognized that song.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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