Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
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Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
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You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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