You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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