I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
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an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
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With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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