I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
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my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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