He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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