Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize