You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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