drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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