My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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