The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
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I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
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i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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