Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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