Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
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you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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