Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Drake has all the answers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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