If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I smell like Dick and happiness
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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