you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
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I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
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Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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