my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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