i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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