Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
All I want is dick and wine.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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