you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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