Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
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Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
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I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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