i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
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I take back everything I said about communal showers
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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