I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
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I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
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You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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