I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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