I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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