FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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