you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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