i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
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That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
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I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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