So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
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just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
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Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
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