Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize