if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
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Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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