i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
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I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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